


I would give you so much, if you'd let me

by Flightless_Bird



Series: "My Alexander" [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alex is a good friend, Angst, Dreams, Fluff, Hurt/No Comfort, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, Platonic Relationship, Poor Alex - Freeform, Unrequited Love, Wishful Thinking, aromantic/asexual James Madison, but he's also a sad friend, if you don't like romantic stuff i would skip this one tbh, just a dream but still, longing!alex, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 18:17:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10599507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flightless_Bird/pseuds/Flightless_Bird
Summary: "Suddenly, faster than Alex could move, James had leaned down and kissed him. Quick and chaste, a brush of his lips over Alex's. But it still made Alex's eyes widen and his body go rigid. He was gaping mutely when James pulled back again and gazed down at him with those dark-chocolate eyes. Alex's pulse shot up into overdrive and he knew that he was blushing terribly. All he could come with was: "....what?"





	

**Author's Note:**

> Annnd here's Alex's point of view for the first time and along with it, the angst. If you're following this series, thank you so much for the support. I love writing these two for you and you've been so kind so far. 
> 
> Now I hope i don't lose all of you for making Alex's life suck *nervous laughter*
> 
> Comments are always welcome and give me happiness, so let me know what you thought!c:

Alex slept like crap.

  
It was a well-known fact between everyone in the gang that he was prone to staying up late, writing whatever godforsaken thing he'd decided to write that night. It was also a well-known fact that, thanks to this, he often fell asleep in chairs or on couches a lot during the day. When this happened, unless there was an emergency, it was best to just let him sleep. Odds were, he wasn't going to get enough that night anyway.

  
Well, it had happened again. Alex didn't mean to, he relay didn't. He just wanted to read a few chapters of a book he'd gotten yesterday, on the couch in the apartment he shared with Laurens and James. However, he'd made the mistake of lying down while he read. And the book just kept sinking lower and lower, until it was splayed on his chest, his arm had fallen off the end of the couch, and he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer.

  
As effortlessly as breathing, he slipped into sleep.

-x-x-x-

_He was really getting into this chapter, when someone suddenly plucked the book from his hands. "Hey!" He glared upward indignantly, ready to give Laf (it was always Laf) a piece of his mind. The irritation faltered when he recognized the dark-chocolate eyes of James gazing down at him_.

  
_He was smiling brightly, holding Alex's book in his hands. "Hi, Alex," he snickered. "What're you doing?"_

_  
"I was reading," Alex replied pointedly._

_  
"Oh, yeah, I guess you were. What were you reading?" James turned the book over in his hands, peering at the cover for the title. He wrinkled his nose. "'The Great Gatsby?'"_

_  
"I wish I could continue reading it," Alex deadpanned. But he couldn't stay mad, not at James. He'd never been able to be angry at James._

_  
Humming thoughtfully, James carefully bent the corner of the page to mark Alex's place, then shut the book. He set it on the arm of the couch and turned his sparkling grin back on Alex. Alex felt his heart skip in his chest. "Wanna hear about what Thomas did today?" James asked._

_  
"Was it something dumb?" Alex asked eagerly_.

_  
James laughed, the sound rippling like rainwater and working its way into Alex's heart. "Yeah, really dumb. He burnt his fingers on the toaster this morning and now he can't pick anything up. You should see him, he's been trying to type anyway, and he keeps swearing at his laptop."_

_  
Alex could just see it now. He wondered if he could trick Jefferson into trying to hold something for him later. Something hot. He rested his head on the arm of the couch and smiled to himself. "Yeah, I bet he—"_

_  
Suddenly, faster than Alex could move, James had leaned down and kissed him. Quick and chaste, a brush of his lips over Alex's. But it still made Alex's eyes widen and his body go rigid. He was gaping mutely when James pulled back again and gazed down at him with those dark-chocolate eyes. Alex's pulse shot up into overdrive and he knew that he was blushing terribly. All he could come with was: "....what_?"

  
_James's eyes went round and he lifted a hand to his mouth like he'd done something wrong. "Crap, um," he stammered, taking a step back. "I didn't mean to do that._

_I just...shit...I just—I've wanted to do that for a while, and now you're probably confused because I said I was—" Faltering, he started to walk away, circling around the end of the couch to hurry past Alex. Alex sat up in alarm, feeling like his blood was rushing too fast in his veins. "Just forget I did that," James mumbled, head lowered_.

_  
"Wait," Alex managed, reaching out before he could think better of it. He caught James by the sleeve of his hoodie and James halted. But he didn't dare to look up, as though he was ashamed of what he'd just did, as though it was him that had taken advantage of Alex. God, if only you knew, Alex thought. You could take advantage of me and I'd never say no. "Why're you sorry?" he asked aloud._

_  
James scuffed a toe against the floor. "Because I told you I didn't want a romantic relationship with anyone," he muttered, "and you've been great about it. And now, I ruined what we had and confused you, and I never wanna do that to you, Alex." He looked at Alex then, pleading and so damn vulnerable, Alex ached to hold him._

_  
"I don't care," Alex said, throwing caution to the wind and standing up to face his best friend, his most important person. "Yeah, I'm confused, but I don't care, Maddie, because I've—" He swallowed and rested his hands on James's shoulders, giving him a chance to pull away. "I've been waiting for you for so long. I would never do anything you didn't want. But if you decided...that you want me...then I wouldn't say no."_

_  
James's gaze searched his face for any hint of a lie. "You've really been in love with me for this long?" he asked quietly._

_  
Alex blinked. He hadn't worded it like that but... James had always been able to understand him better than anyone else. Tucking a strand of hair behind his ear, he lowered his eyes. "Yes," he admitted in a mumble_.

_  
For a second, James didn't answer, and Alex was afraid that maybe that was too much for him._

_  
Then James stepped forward into his space, hands coming up to Alex's chest and their foreheads bumping together. "Then I don't want you to worry about what I want anymore," he murmured, and Alex's breath caught. He bit back a small noise when James pressed their lips together again, fleeting, before parting to whisper, "I wanna know what you want, Alex."_

_  
And they were kissing again, this time long, and deep, and like waves were trying to wash Alex away. He'd never thought that James might be a good kisser, had never dared to wonder. But James kissed him like he wanted to steal the breath from his lungs and it was working. Alex decided right then that he'd never need air again. He slid_ _his fingers to James's jaw, cupping his face. When he angled his head, James sank his teeth lightly into his bottom lip and Alex's knees went weak. He almost stumbled when James suddenly pushed forward, guiding him back to the couch._

_  
"What do you want?" James asked between kisses, as Alex fell back onto the couch and James followed him down._

_  
Alex pulled him into his lap to keep them as close as possible, hands roaming up James's back. James's fingers were in his hair, working it loose from its ponytail, and Alex bit his tongue over a sound of appreciation. "I want you to kiss me," he breathed out, and James began tracing kisses down his jawline. Alex's fingers curled in the back of his hoodie. "Want you to touch me." He felt James's hand twist in his hair and pull, sending a wonderful spike of heat down his spine. "Just want you," he whispered. "Like this, always, always, Maddie."_

_  
James's lips curled into a smile against his jaw. "I love when you call me that_."

  
_I love when you call me yours, Alex thought weakly. Then James's lips had found the place under his ear and he was in no state to think at all. He'd been so careful with James, every day, every minute, and he'd never tried to have anything for himself. Now, he let himself have this. James reached his ear, gently took it between his teeth, and made Alex's hands shake. Pausing, he pulled back so that his lips grazed Alex's ear as he whispered: "you're gorgeous, Alexander."_

_  
Alex warmed under the praise, heart threatening to burst. He dropped his head to the side, exposing his neck, and James's mouth closed over the place where his pulse beat. He kissed down Alex's throat, finding everywhere that could leave Alex shivering. His fingers pulled at Alex's hair again to tip his head back and Alex didn't try to hide it this time when he moaned. "Mon petit soleil," he whispered, then gasped when James's hands found their way up under his shirt. They slid up his back and seared his skin in every place they touched._

_  
"What is it, sweetheart?" James asked, the words engraving themselves on the skin of Alex's neck_.

  
_"Je t'aime," he whimpered. "Oh, Maddie, I'd—" His throat felt thick all of the sudden, emotion bubbling up his chest. "I'd love you, I swear. I'd love you with my everything if you'd let me."_

_  
"But I am letting you," James replied, a note of puzzlement in his voice._

_  
For some reason, that didn't seem right. Alex shook his head. "No, you aren't," he argued. "You're—" Then he fell silent, the realization falling over him like a bucket of icy water._

_  
Confused, James drew back to look him in the eye. "Alex?" he asked, touching Alex's cheek._

_  
Alex gazed back at him numbly, feeling as though his heart was freezing over. No, please, not this, I can't, I can't. "You're not—_ "

-x-x-x-

"Maddie." It came out in a whisper, as he jerked awake on the couch. Breaths shaky, he glanced around through bleary eyes. His book was draped across his chest, forgotten, and a strand of hair had wandered into his mouth. Spitting it out, he pushed himself up into a groggy sitting position. The dream was already beginning to fade from memory, but parts of it remained: the ghost of James's fingertips on his skin, his mouth, his voice.

Sighing, Alex combed his fingers back through his hair and tied it into a ponytail. He told himself that the hollowness in his ribcage was nothing to be sad over. He was used to it by now.

  
"Hey, Alex!" The voice was bright and cheerful, and tugged at Alex's senses. It was James, of course it was, crossing the room to the kitchen with a bounce in his step. His eyes caught on Alex's and he sent him a happy grin.

  
_He looked so beautiful_.

  
Alex smiled back crookedly. "Hi, Maddie."


End file.
